April 30th, 2009

Time Slave on your SleeveGLOSSY

What’s that beaming right from your screenlit face
Some siren screaming from her proper place,
“You promised me a very good feeding, show me what I’m worth”
The very meaning of my bottomless berth.
“I love to be your dirty whore”, or was it “I never rode a boycycle before”

Glare right through you from behind sheer perfection
Once again, “How much do I need big Daddy’s protection”
You deserve a prize, but your water tight policy ..
….won’t hide your hell inside.
You just trap me in my skin, but I’m gonna be your evil twin
Nothing to lose just me to win
I feel so GLOSSY
“You wanna get close, c’mon plug in Woooo!”
I feel so GLOSSY, it’s true

It must be hard, I know, when this world implodes…
…to keep your eyes from crossing
How could it be so bad, that all you’ve ever had…
… is gagged and bound in GLOSSY

Do ya really wanna know how I feel?

“I love to be your dirty whore”, or was it “I never rode a boycycle before”
Get to know me better and you’ll be bored
I feel so GLOSSY
I open up to you so you can show me the back door
I feel so GLOSSY, it’s true

It must be hard, I know, when this world implodes …
…to keep your eyes from crossing
How could it be so bad, that all you’ve ever had…
… is gagged and bound in GLOSSY

Am I really real
When you hear me squeal
That my lips are sealed
I feel GLOSSY!

Scene 7 – Frank & Stein

April 29th, 2009
Twin powers ACTIVATE!

Twin powers ACTIVATE!

Hyper beautiful dancer-type secretary is making everything just so for Brenda:  arranging her post to perfection, micro-adjusting everything in the room.  All’s carefully designed and arranged.  She is opening B’s letters with a mother of pearl letter opener, shrewdly scrutinizes every one b4 deciding whether worthy enough of B’s gaze, puts personalized pastels coded sticky divider tabs on priority items, she prioritizes the rubbish into pastel coded recycling.  All her movements look as though her freshly painted fingernails are drying.  She gives various surfaces the white glove treatment – and finds a flaw on the monitor which she polishes to perfection.  Then she catches her own reflection there and begins to adjust herself according to her punishing eye.  She sits down to give herself a better view and pulls out of the inner pocket of her Chanel copy crepe couture ¾ length sleeve jacket a case with mirror and gleaming tweezers.  She plucks a single eyebrow hair from its follicle.   She then gets some micro sheers out of the desk drawer and tries to cut a single hair of her cultivated asymmetrical hairdo – maybe it was grey, maybe it was out of place.  She cuts more hairs than anticipated and swears like a sailor.  She picks up the post and slaps & shakes it over an impossibly shiney r2d2 style foot operated rubbish bin and then pulls out a credit card, licks the coke off the edge and scrapes the hairs off Brenda’s desk like a maitre d, also flicking them into the bin.  Kelli reaches into a secret compartment under the desk pulls out a Muji neutral atomizer and sprays the shit out of the desk surface then wipes it with something that is disposable.  She composes herself, gingerly places the letters just so, and stretches her seemingly wet nails before conducting email surgery.

K         No we don’t need any Viagra today …. Or is Ms B airborne next week. (click, click, click).  No.  Fine, goodbye. Spam, spam, spam, spam….. None of your damn business (click, click, click)…. Yes (click), No (click)….. (click, click, click) no pork, no shellfish, no gluten, no soya, no burgen, no wheat, no yolks, (click, click) only organic dairy, only free range fowl, only fresh water fish, only spoonfed and shiatsued veal….. Oh, oh OH that looks good…. But we certainly don’t want to nickel and dime Ms Chatelaine.  Why I’d be more than happy to attend the lipo-fuel symposium in Antigua as Brenda’s delegate, certainly I would LUSH!  Just call me indispensable…  Oh, schizel, this isn’t good … boobs are gonna roll (adjusts her blue tooth ear piece) Kyra, darling, are you relocating?  You can’t be serious – well spill Darling when and where?

(Gradual crescendo of chatter as Brenda’s silhouette approaches and looms b4 Kelli in opaque glass door.  She is struggling with her chip implant to open the sliding door)                                             

K         Gotta go.  Lady Miss K, my treat to the range if you can just jam that drawbridge for me  yes? …..  no…. listen …. Kyra …. C’mon, you know I don’t do aerial NO.  You know that … ugh ….just … OK… I’ll be back … quite.  Later, soon.  Coming Brenda. (she gets up and waves her wrist at the door which flies open like a switchblade)

(Brenda sweeps in pacing already, shopping in one hand – Prada, All Saints, Top Shop – and mobile in the other.  She throws notes @ Kelli which look like kiddie scribble and map for treasure hunt.  Kelli begins to dismantle her like a backstage dresser, and put away the shopping – perhaps styling her next outfit, arranging her home furnishings and shelf exotica, which is occasionally corrected by Brenda as she rattles non-stop)                                                                                                                       

Brenda:            Are you taking this down?  Right, Group A:  Life in the Macrolane – Simone.  Group B:  Microglutasynthesis Kinesis Tag Team… .I’d say 2 out of Radka, Giselle, mmmmmaybe Bianca. OR Bianca could swing for the bingo wing thing (makes some frantic hand signals, maybe snaps @ Kelli, who produces A5 mini laptop that opens like a clipboard)  ummm Liponymphalamus or, sorry … Lymphonipalamus.  Yes, Gavin & Craig said they’ll partner so that would cover Group C (tosses laptop @ K w a sharp look.  K catches)  Then on to D&E.  Anine’s on board for the hyposophamino trial.  Now Raica needs convincing but is partial to KAKA Bling for a pro-boner job – ha! Sorry Achillongitude – though there’s really not enough recovery time there for Anine to tush out the pussyfoot for the grande finale.  Now we do really want to suck out Van der P for closing night – “build up from broken down”.  Yes, Mmm-hmmm, mmmm-hmmmm mmm-hmmmm…. But, and it’s a big but – I’m not sure it’s the message you want to give your Pilates lingerie soundtrack…… No, what I want, what I really really want is 4 YOU to pull some G-string & drag Mo’s Measle-potion pilot over (crescendo-ing volume as if to drown out someone who’s interrupting her) BECAUSE IT WILL SPEED UP THE PROCESS, SO WE CAN PUSH IT BACK…. Well, fire it up, I’ll DELIVER the DNA & let’s get some results…. Don’t be such a tease…. Yes, I like the recovery angle, but we really don’t want to launch this with a human detonation…. We need foreplay, we need a LOT more foreplay… (whispery) that all depends on what you’re packin:  REGULAR OR KINGSIZED… same to you, Reg….. Yes…. Agreed…. Good… (sigh) Contudinalcephalovision, yes, v clever, v accurate, v verbose – doesn’t quite snap my thong, Reggie…. Well, “flex your inner girdle” would be better….. or “push back collagentrification” that’s good – why that’s rather good little Philtron. (in mock “mommy” voice) You could be gettin the hang of it after all.  Get back to me, OK. Mvwahh!  (barely takes a breath b4 turning on Kelli)  Kelli, please don’t use cursive as a font on that thing.  I could’ve blown the “Healthfare” subsidy.  C’mon.  Ooh, nice brow job, Dear.

Kelli:    It’s so cute the way you forget your own inventions.  You’re just a walking think-tank Dr B.

Brenda: (collapses in her chair, hand over eyes)  Is it time for my medication?

Kelli:  Not til you spoon me some sugar, Boss mama

Brenda:  (adjusts her chair to recline and slowly spins) Check your rota Princess- not today unless you just want a spanking.  C’mon chop, chop, I’m on a schedule.  What’s on the menu?  (puts her feet on the desk to stop, hands folded on her gut, leans back, pouting)  Just the good news, OK? 

Kelli:  (her best Shirley Temple)  Why, Dr B, there is no bad news!

Brenda:  All right get my hairbrush & pull down your big girl’s pants

Kelli:  Well, we can certainly talk about my bonus if you really, really want.

Brenda:  Kellion, please, I’ve got seconds

Kelli:  (pretends to literally talk out of her ass)  We now received confirmation of shorlist to bid for Brixton Nick restoration –  Project Beauty Hall.  We also have lift off for a match with Lactite Stealth & would you believe Divian wants in on the feed.  However Deepdish has warned that she will want her pound of flesh in the form of showcase for her “Rhino in the Room” collection @ the big launch.  Would that be 1st September of the new decade by the way. 

Brenda:  Actually that would be the final September of 2010 – the ultimate year of the Naughties.  That’s why we have the amino osmotic strippers on board – not sure if Divvy will be able to top that, sorry. 

Kelli:  (sigh)  Well do I have to give back my nosebag?

Brenda:  Stop micro-harassing me, K-K.  You know the drill.  See what she can do to make it worthwhile.  Next!

Kelli:  Fine.  Silverburg is now squawking about a beauty tax on your donor discounts, but we may be able to find some leverage in lipo-fuel.  Symposium in the next quarter – unfortunately it does coincide with your Wealth & Healthfare conference. 

Brenda:  Oh, really?  Are they actually on the same day?

Kelli:   One and a half day’s overlap. 

Brenda:  Is that all?  Where is it Kell?

Kelli:  At least 5 hours outbound.  Brenda, what did we agree about downtime?

Brenda:  Perfect, I’m in the Silver surfer zone, at last.  I assume you’ve coded me up on Avi-toff.  All diarised?

Kelli:  Sorry Dr B, it’s for your own good.  I’m your delegate on this one. 

Brenda:  Uhh, sorry, did you tell me where it’s happening by the way?

Kelli:  Am I or am I not your gatekeeper, Bren?  I’m here to help you focus:  what could be more important than Healthfare, right here, right now (waves A5 powerbook @ her)?

Brenda:  Your ass on a platter if you don’t give me some spec on Mardi Gras, Darling.

Kelli:  You don’t want to know.  If you’ll let me help you prioritise, there’s a final item on the menu:  Pharmahex is relocating.

Brenda:  WHAT?!!

Kelli:  Sorry, Brenda I don’t know how to break it to you any better than that.  Steve’s moving to Zug for a better tax break.

Brenda:  You’re making it up. 

Kelli:  Moi?  I was just on the other line with Kyra when you came in.  She said that Steve was really burned by the audit after the Rude Health auction.  He says he wants to go where he’s better appreciated..

Brenda:  (up & pacing, slamming, hitting, kicking inanimate objects) After all I did to put that bitch back in black.

Kelli:  (overwhelmed with amusement that she didn’t have to lie to pull down the wallpaper)  Apparently Swiss schools are better for girls and it seems Skipper just didn’t make the grade for the Farty academy.

Brenda:  Honestly, I could bang her up in that school for schizos – easily.  Kelli, I’m starting to wonder… what value you add as my sentry.  I mean, do you think you could have seen this coming?

Kelli:  (game over)  Brenda, I’m doing what I can to slow this baby down.

Brenda:  Listen to me, Kelli, I give you quite a bit of free reign, here.  I trust you to hold down the fort so I can get this spaceship off the ground.

Kelli:  B-B, listen…

Brenda:  Do I really make it so difficult for you to talk me through the odd red flag around here?

Kelli:  Brenda, I ….

Brenda:  Talk to me, Kelli.  I pay you, hell I pamper you to keep your ear to the ground.  Damnit!

Kelli:  If it’s any consolation, Kyra’s on the case…

Brenda:  Oh, well, that’s just grrreat…. (gets up out of her chair & starts the stalk, then rounds  on K)  Look, not a word, not a single word, to Frankie – understood?!   We’re gonna turn this sucker around if I have to tie him to the tracks with your panties to do it.

Kelli:  Stop teasing me, Brenda.

Brenda:  OK, here’s an idea.  You & Kyra are going to that puppyfat recycle-in with Steve (snaps in Kelli’s face as if to wake her from hypnosis).  Where did you say it was again?

Kelli:  (deflated)  Antigua?

Brenda:  ANTIGUA!  perfect setting – Listen up, Girly, you & your little fistfuckbuddy are going to Antigua with Steve-O, and you’re going to change his mind.  I don’t care what you have to do.

Kelli:  I want a big bonus, Brenda, a very big bonus this year.

Brenda:  … and don’t worry I’ve got all the treatment you’re going to need when you and Kyra finish your “2 girls and a cup” command performance for smegman Steve, Barbuda Baby.  Anything else you forgot to tell me, today?

Kelli:  The midwives are revolting, Boris wants you to bleach his arsehole and your mother has Hep C.

Brenda:  My mother’s as dead as your future, Dear.

Kelli:  Oh, and it’s time for your Botox (gets right up in her face)…. Hmmm about time, too. 

Brenda:  Keep that up and I’m really going to cum.  Don’t forget it’s your turn to moisturize manana noche, Miss Thingie.

Kelli:  (K mouths “Love You”, Brenda tries to kiss her and K pulls back).  No tongues.  Tomorrow’s hump day.  (K swishes out of the office)

Runnin N2 the sun – Jackson Browne @ RAH

April 29th, 2009

Outta the red, and into the sun

Outta the red, and into the sun

Jackson Browne, at the Royal Albert Hall for his “Time the Conqueror” tour, played to a full house on Easter Monday. Will wonders never cease? The gig was split into two acts. Everyone in their seats was nodding along, with hands folded politely in their collective lap, to witness a formidable pop guru resurrect himself from their golden age – how very civilised, how very 50 something. I’m sure they all felt it, right here (points to chest) where it counts. The silent reverence b/w songs was underwhelming, but luckily JB always had a charming little aside to throw in, and he did actually lure out the frozen 20 somethings nearly buried in the body of the audience.

Act One kicked off with “Boulevard” and finished up with a “Doctor my Eyes”/”Imagination”medley. Act Two shut down with “Pretender”, closely followed by his global smash hit of all time “Running on Empty” – all vintage pop classics, of course. In between was rather formulaic samey stuff from the new album this tour is promoting … w some exceptions

Ol JB got a bit controversial, as he introduced “Goin Down to Cuba”, by pointing out the irony – how very un-American – of his home country’s v un-American, Soviet-style embargo – perceived by this reviewer as perfectly timed in light of recent developments in the Obama admin.

“Lives in the Balance” – Spanish Samba-esque. JB explained that it’s been dragged out from obscurity at the behest of his youngest son, Ryan. Catherine, my lovely companion, said it was her personal fave that night.

“Don’t Ya Know” – “… Jesse Helms don’t have to know…”

“These Days” – The only song performed which had involving the fab backing singers in the studio, JB explained – I swear they upstaged him offstage in every song. He gave them special mention because they had had to finish early, in the recording studio, on school nights – charmant!

All very worthy, though not terribly exciting. I heard the rebel in JB’s voice but the musical vehicle was just not with it. Was he trying to be Brechtian? Was it a rush job to finish the final album on his 20 million album deal – doubtless signed when he was young and exploitable? Well, no, JB owns his own label now. Some of the best stuff here – aside from his global radio hits – was in the acoustic, scaled down numbers, partially because I could hear the words. I blame the band for this gig not being all that it could – but not those beautiful backing singers, or the multi-keyboard intrumentalist who also sang along like an angel. The others were of the typical sesh muso variety, though. I would swear the guitarist played the same solo at every “break-it-down” moment in the set. The drummer never melted in with the others, nor did he command them. The bassist plodded along, and I know I’ve seen him at other stadium gigs. Not exactly true musical fidelity from these 3 stooges.

To credit JB’s showmanship properly, he had rallied the painfully sedate audience into yelling out requests from his immense back catalogue by the middle of the 2nd act. At the pentultimate song of this gig, they were up on their feet and many rushed down to the front of the seated audience to fervently perform their favourite prom dance. To top it off, Jackson Browne, musical superstar, actually tripped over the wires onstage as he waved goodbye from “Running on Empty” – bravo! You can take the boy out of Orange County. The show had just begun for my money – tho I did have comps.