Exit Cover – Fiver to Leave

May 19th, 2009

(Largish man with electronic clipboard) Hi there!  D’ya have a good night?  Great band, huh?  Nice if they’d start on time, right?  Oh yeah, that old chestnut, listen, before you go, would ya do me a little favor?  I’m here conducting a quick survey on (mimes quotation marks with hands bent into peace signs) “Quality of Night Life” in your fair city.  Couple of questions, couple of minutes of your precious time, it would rock my world if you’d help me understand what would better your clubbing experience out here in paradise.  Grrrreat!  First off, placement:  was the headliner better than the support band.  Good.  Did you get enough time b/w them to get a drink –  uh huh – and how long b4 you were served.  Not bad.  And the drinks themselves – good VFM, watered down, too strong?  OK! And did the bartenders remember you… and your drink, could they deliver your DOC – drink of choice.  First time?  OK, well, we’ll scratch that.  Did you get any action from surrounding clientele (flicking his tongue on the “l”) … (gives interviewee once over) .. and according to your preference uhhh orientation.  Oh, Sylivia, swell – you get her card?  Diamond!  Yeah, she’s very good … well, no, she’s not usually available offclock so good thing you got the card…. How was the DJ?  Did you feel liberated enough to dance to the DJ set AND to the bands.  Too crowded … too exposed?  Mmmm-hmmmm.  Were the toilets cleaned, well stocked – did you tip the attendant?  No?  Any reason?  (types into clipboard) Didn’t .. see… the attendant.  Give me just a second.  Let’s backup a bit, I’m just gonna change your sobriety spec slightly.  .  How many times were you notified of last call.  Right, last call, was it timely or too hustly?  Good.   OK, if you can just hold for another 2 seconds Grrrreat, I’ll just tabulate your score (punches into his calculator).  Really good score – look at that.  That’s only a fiver to leave…That’s right – you scored 93% – so, yeah, that’s a fiver to leave the club… according to your personalised sliding, poll based exit fee – only a fiver.   (clears throat) ummm sure, well, it pays for my time as QC surveyor & other admin costs + call back insurance…. Free country though, you can stay if you want.  Yeah, no probs, but the bar & kitchen will be closed and the toiletries leave with the attendant, just so you know.  I mean, eventually the cleaner can let you out, but I can guarantee you she’ll want a tenner.  Yeah, a tenner, because she sux up about 5 times that much off the floor at the end of a weekend night…. And you wouldn’t cut in on any of her action, now, would you?  Look, we’ll be dockin her your fiver anyway, cuz we’re not fool enough to believe she wouldn’t horn in on ours.  Be my guest, take your chances, you could crash out on the floor til she arrives, but it’ll be pretty sticky.  We don’t really do accommodation here, or else we’d have to charge for it.  Just look across the street at that flophouse franchise for a clue about the savings you’ll afford yourself, if you just fork out the fiver and get on with your weekend.  Yes, yes, you came, you saw, you drank, you groped, you scored with one of my girls, and now we’re asking you to pay for the privilege… Why?  Because this is America, Buddy, and we believe in a service industry rather than a serving class.  That all right with you?  Perhaps you think my time is only worth $5 an hour.  Well, you know what, I guess I better start flexing my worker’s rights around here.  You’ve got five seconds to fork over your fiver, before you step outside via my foot up your ass.  You wanna see who’s side time is on, Pal!  Thanks v much, sorry no change.  Y’all come back now ya hear (slams door on his exiting ass)


(on to the next stumbling, last-to-leave, drunkard)  Say, Buddy, you got the time?


May 15th, 2009
Yes, it's the real me!

Yes, it's the real me!

Cowgrrrls, Lassos & Chaps, come on down & flex your infinite access to rodeo trivia for this Monday’s BIG GAY QUIZ @ First Out, starring Claire Benjamin as your hostess with the mostess and featuring deep southern songstress Marianne Hyatt.

Free entry 7-11pm – UNH! – and remember, pets win prizes

First Out Cafe Bar • 52 St Giles High Street • WC2H 8LH – http://www.firstoutcafebar.com/page5.htm

“She was triumphant.  The women loved her because she made them feel like Calamity Jane, Cat Ballou and Marlene Dietrich of “Destry Rides Again” all rolled into one.  The men loved her because they are simple creatures and fishnet-clad buttocks tend to produce a Pavlovian response….”  HARPERS & QUEEN